5 People I Pointlessly Compare Myself To
Who are you comparing yourself to?
When you think about it, comparing yourself is really ridiculous.
You are you, and they are them. Your paths are literally so different they’re often not even going anywhere near each other. And yet.
And yet, our human reaction is to compare yourself. Because that’s the normal thing to do.
More likely than not, we compare ourselves to people “better off” than us, and we don’t appreciate what we’ve got. It’s kind of the worst. So I wanted to write a post that is basically taking the piss out of my random comparison thoughts:
1. Fashionable people on Instagram.
You have way better clothes than me. You pair really simple things together than I literally would never have thought to do. You always have new things. How do you have so many new outfits? I swear some days you do an outfit change even though you’re just going to buy some milk. You wear clothes that are tagged in the picture and then I go on the tagged brand’s Instagram page (normally a small independent Spanish brand with a name I cannot pronounce) and that lacy top you are wearing costs more than a second-hand car. I’m really bad with looking after clothes. I like wearing black polo necks and big earrings and that is literally it (well, and trousers). You clearly have a big wardrobe and look after things. Unlike me, you deserve these nice things. I lose clothes and leave jackets on buses. I currently don’t even own an iron. I forgot to bring it with me when I moved house. I am that person on Instagram without an iron.
2. Random person on Facebook who I met once who is getting married.
You’re getting married and are having a really expensive wedding. Like really expensive wedding because you just wrote a Facebook status saying how much your wedding is going to cost. You have a wedding planner. You have someone who has literally been flown over from L.A to teach you and your fiancé a choreographed wedding dance. Your cutlery is literally made of gold. I’m glad I’m not invited because I couldn’t promise I wouldn’t steal a fork. I don’t want to delete you off Facebook because you’re really nice and it’s literally not your fault that you’re going to have a perfect wedding.
3. Person who posts their work-outs on Instagram Stories.
One Sunday afternoon I was watching you do a cardio work-out on a beach via a collection of 16 Instagram Story videos. You’re not the only one. It’s actually really helpful to be honest because I’m learning all these different types of sit-ups and now I know what “core strength” is and why it’s important. I could try it. You are doing squats and wearing leggings that are clearly from a limited edition designer range. I’m lying horizontal under a Christmas blanket in September re-watching My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend moving to and from the fridge.
4. The woman I don’t know walking her dog in the street.
Your dog is really cute. I bet your whole life is really cute. I bet your house is really nice and your friends also have cute dogs and you all play together. I was sweating on my top lip because I was wearing the wrong kind of outfit (see point 1) and late for a meeting and you were strolling down the street with your dog and sunglasses on. It wasn’t even sunny. You’re having a way better day than me.
5. Random old friend from home who I haven’t spoken to for eight years.
You have a garden. You upload pictures from garden centres holding expensive plants and flower arrangements. You use the hashtag #LivingThatSuburbanLife. I’m so jealous even though one half of my brain is like, but Emma, you hate the suburbs. The other half of my brain is like: I miss green things and fairly clean air.
How I Grew Up Online
“In love with Emma Gannon’s Ctrl Alt Delete. So funny & smart, and reminding me of some of my own cringe teen Internet exploits!”– Anna James, former literary editor of ELLE
"Funny, honest, and nostalgic!"– The Debrief
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