December 01, 2011

Online Dating Gripes: Part 1

Greetings and good morrow, friends. This is a rather exciting day in the blogosphere. Now, let me tell you why. None other than dating extraordinaire Jack Cullen, party attendee and writer for the Guardian & Gay Times has agreed to join me in creating this monthly feature: Online Dating Gripes.

 Each month one of us will give away 3 of our biggest dating don’ts, whilst the other of us will leave additional comments below. I of course am a woman, and Jack is a gay man, so our views will inevitably differ, but that is not to say Jack and I cannot coexist and both share in the same hatred of most men.

Do you ever find things going swimmingly with someone online only for your potential suitor to then do something socially unforgivable? Do you ever want to educate men on what we like to call ‘Internetiquette’? Often that immediate feeling of no-thank-you-please-go-away-now hits us before we’ve read one word of their message.

This is Part One.


The Torso Shot


Nothing says ‘arrogant’ mixed with ‘desperate’ more than a bathroom torso photo taken with an old-school Nokia camera-phone. It not only makes us wonder why you are hiding your face, but it also draws attention to how unhygienic that sink looks that you are so proudly leaning on. Pushing your Peter-Andre slick-back hair and moisturised chest into the mirror with a slightly suspicious pout is not going to attract the ladies. Plus, when are we going to have time to get ready in there if you’re hogging the bathroom mirror? Girls are faced with slimy topless men too often in real-life, such as a builder taking advantage of fleeting sunshine or when things go pear-shaped in Oceana and the Baywatch theme song comes on, to then all of a sudden be surrounded by a sweaty group of Hoff wannabes. All in all, this is definitely not something that we would voluntarily like to welcome into our lives.

Jack Cullen says: Ah, this is different for gay men. Torsos are important, possibly because being gay is all about feeling the most un-breast-like body of a firm find pressed against your own gleaming vessel of washboard muscles(ahem). Basically if you don’t have a flat tummy in the gay community then you have two options: Lose weight or keep eating until you are large enough to classify as a “bear”. You see we’re PR geniuses in the gay community, so what you would call an unsightly overweight hairy middle-aged man we would call “A Bear”. On saying that, I don’t show my torso in my profile, but I can send it with a private message – I’m like Interflora.


Posting a Picture from TEN YEARS AGO 


I know for men it is a giveaway when your hair begins to thin. I know you are may think that you are past it and you’re dangling on the edge of a mid-life crisis and thought you looked better at 21 with that comb over and extreme 80’s jacket. The truth is: it’s probably not the case. Silver fox is not only currently in fashion (look at George Lamb, Pierce Brosnan, Clooney), but it is the TRUTH and will therefore not give a lady a shock when they are faced with someone they did not imagine to be a little more ‘mature’. It’s not a bad thing to post what you actually look like, (and in most cases people normally look better). Luring people in on false pretences has never gone down well in the history of online dating. (Or in any type of dating for that matter – even Shrek and Princess Fiona made it work. Honesty is the best policy.)

Jack Cullen says: I’m totally onboard with this one. Like men standing in front of the Twin Towers or with their arm around Pauline Quirke – who are you trying to kid Trevor? 6 months is the limit for keeping a photo, unless you’re one of those Playmobil gays who looks the same forever. Changing pictures too regularly can be annoying as well though, mainly because gays are often drunk when they go online – so changing your image will confuse people. Also, people who change their image on Grindr look desperate, like “What about this one? Will this one sell me? No? Okkkkk, what about THIS one?” It’s like for fuck sake, just stop plucking your eyebrows DUDE.


That annoying question: “So what exactly are you looking for?” 


This question usually results in one thing, and that’s normally the delete button. Attempting to lay out a set of rules in the first opening line makes it sounds like you are entering a bad business proposition. Also, how do I know exactly what I want? And if I did, don’t you think I would have bagged it by now and not be on hugging a bottle of wine on a Wednesday night? What happened to the days of simply talking to someone and seeing if you get on? I agree that the (long-winded) profile creation process allows people to find like-minded people regarding hobbies and interests, but the strict ‘what do you want?/why are you here?’ questions are just a bit off-putting.  Believe it or not, some people aren’t on a desperate mission with a clipboard ticking boxes and crossing off lists, they are just having a casual look. Being so abrupt is a bit rude, don’t you think? It’s like a customer being ordered to whip out their credit card before getting a chance to have a look around. Window shopping ain’t a crime.

Jack Cullen says: “So what exactly are you looking for?” – How poetic Emma! The gay community have the same thing, but in half the words. We use “Wot u into?” Repeat after me Emma. “Wot u into?” It means – Do I f**k you, do you f**k me, or do we discuss Jeff Koons? Often guys with a fetish will ask this question, and it’s like “Err.. You’re the one obsessing over being into things, so… is there something you want to tell me? Is it do with my trainers? Come on Maxwell, lead by example now” – I don’t like people who ask me “Wot u into?” A good routine answer is “I’m Into The Groove… coz you’ve gotta Prooove, your love forrrr meeeeeeee – Yeah-eh”, and just wait for that big fat block.

…….For more witty words from Jack, click these links:

2 Responses

  1. Very nice blog Find it very informative and useful to me. Thanks a lot for sharing these post!

  2. Anthony says:

    Made me chuckle 😀

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