February 21, 2012

Why ‘The Vow’ Pissed Me Off *spoiler alert*

To be fair, it wasn’t looking too positive from the start. Me and my friend Hannah ordered our tickets: £15.95. Fairly reasonable I thought. But wait…

Wait, WHAT? £15 quid.. EACH? PER PERSON? TWO INDIVIDUAL TRANSACTIONS? Whilst the young girl behind the till sheepishly reminded us we were in Central London. GOT IT.

I digress.

This wasn’t actually what annoyed me. More the fact I had KNOWN it was going to be a lame film. I knew full well 60% of the films budget who have been spend wining and dining the two standard Hollywood names Channing Tatum & Rachel McAdams in their only hope to drag in the masses of the streets who KNOW what they’re in for. Yet again and again, we feel robbed at being served something that never quite scrapes the surface. Here it goes:

Scene 1: Opening scene, cheesy singing along to the radio and then, boom, horrendous car crash. Rachel McAdams body is hanging out of the window and there is sad dramatic accompanying music. Initial thought: strap yourself in, we’re in for an emotional roller coaster.

Scene 2: Cue standard hospital scene. Standard line delivered by Channing Tatum who sobs ‘she doesn’t remember me’. Slightly Memento style explanation of injury: loss of short term memory. (Followed by standard camera shot of Channing Tatum holding-his-very-attractive-head-in-hands sitting next to the hospital vending machine.

Scene 3: Casual conversation about how she doesn’t know who he is any more. They grab some lunch and she asks him ‘Who am I? What do I like doing?’ He reveals their textbook life: “Why, darling, I work in an uber-cool-music-studio-mixing-sick-tracks and you my love, are a sculptor, an artist. You paint things my dear.”

Scene 4: Standard conflict between the forgotten husband and the All-American-white-teethed parents. They don’t get on. They wanted their daughter to go to law school, but strongly believe Channing Tatum’s bulging biceps distracted her.

Scene 5: She maintained her long term memory so recognises her parents, but, casually decides to moves back in with Channing Tatum even though she hasn’t a ruddy clue who he is.

Scene 6: She visits her parents. Guess who pops out from behind a bush: you guessed it: her old flame. The Attract Ex-Fiancé. (WAIT – is this the Notebook??? OH wait. No it’s not. Don’t blame you for thinking it though).

Scene 7: Cue the standard dramatic line from Channing Tatum: “You know what guys, *stands up* (for effect), I’m going to have to make her fall in love with me all over again. *Runs down the road* (for effect)

Scene 8: Rachel McAdams pisses us all off by being completely ungrateful and demanding to sleep in the spare room because she’s ‘confused’. Channing Tatum pats her head and says ‘there, there, I understand’, whilst wearing nothing but a scantily-clad towel.

Scene 9: Rachel McAdams realises her ex-Fiancé is a massive douche.

Scene 10: Rachel McAdams realises her family her massive douches.

Scene 11: Rachel McAdams runs back to her completely-unaffordable-on-an-artists-salary flat and asks for forgiveness because ‘he loved her for who she was’.

Scene 12: Channing Tatum & Rachel McAdams kiss a bit and hop into the car and live happily ever after.

And me? I’m £15.95 poorer and learnt nothing.

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