March 15, 2014

songs that i’ve played at a house party and no one danced


Look, it happens to everybody. But, unfortunately, it tends to happen to some people more than others: and I, unfortunately, am one of those people.

Let me paint you a picture: So you’ve got the invite (through a tenuous friendship link) to a very cool and edgy house party. It’s the talk of the town and anybody who’s anybody is going. People are dancing to garage tunes, the host is some random hotty who is wearing a backwards baseball cap with tanned arms, and as you look around you realise everyone is effortlessly cool. People are chatting and laughing and throwing their heads back as they bond over their cheap wine and beer. Crockery is breaking in the kitchen, people are flirting over their ‘supplies’ and the patio is full of people who have probably been featured in Harper’s Bazaar

Anyway, the DJ has disappeared and the Apple laptop rests invitingly on the coffee table, and everyone’s on the makeshift dance-floor happily bumping, grinding and spilling their drinks onto the now soggy carpet. And with the speakers booming off the walls, a dangerous thought creeps into your head: GO OVER AND PICK. A. SONG.

I do not know what possessed me at the time, but here are a list of the songs that over the last few years I have picked, under pressure, to play at a house party which resulted in a stunned silence and someone immediately changing it to something else. People are normally too cool.

Men At Work – Down Under

Part Time Lover – Stevie Wonder

– What’s the Time Mr Wolf – Southside of Bombay

Crying at the Discoteque – Alcazar

Scandalous – Misteeq

Afrodisiac – Brandy

Ain’t Nobody – Chaka Kan

Gotta Get Thru This – Daniel Bedingfield

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell

Freed From Desire – Gala

Pump up the jam – Technotronic

Moving on Up – M People 

And unsurprisingly they have all gone down like a lead balloon. At a ‘cool’ house party NO ONE DANCES TO THESE SONGS. Trust me. Even if people secretly like them as their SGP (Secret Guilty Pleasure). Your tipsy state of mind will lull you into a false sense of security as you completely misjudge ‘the vibe of the room’. Everyone will stare at you: half angry, half disappointed whilst you beg the floor to swallow you whole. From then on, you’ll always be known as That One who picked the shit song at the Cool House Party. This is my gift to you, so you don’t make the same innocent mistake.*

*(Obviously all these can be played, on repeat, at small gatherings with friends, or by yourself in your room).

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