Bridgerton, Gossip & Friendship
I interviewed the author Julia Quinn, creator of the Bridgerton books, this month for the podcast (going live on 4th March). It was a very enjoyable lively conversation, she was brilliant and funny, and we discussed so much about her writing career that spans over twenty years. She wrote her first full-length novel at 13 years old(!) and later ditched a career in medicine, thinking: “actually, I think I’ll write romance novels for a living instead.” And that’s exactly what she went and did.
I asked Julia why the series might have resonated so much during lockdown? I mean, we’re all stuck inside, and so during this bleak lockdown, we are clearly hoovering up any piece of entertainment that offers us escapism, joy and excitement. Was it the steamy sex scenes perhaps, like Normal People — something to fantasise about, outside of our four walls? Or was it perhaps that we were missing our social lives, and gossiping in person to our pals?
Since that conversation, I’ve been reflecting on what I mean by ‘gossip’. Is gossiping bad? Whenever I’m with my mum I ask her for the latest ‘gossip’ from home. It’s a figure of speech — really I’m just wanting to hear how people are — like scrolling through faces from the past on Facebook for a little update on people I haven’t spoken to in years. To me, a little bit of gossip is always harmless. “X is pregnant, X quit her job, X got a new boyfriend, X quit his job in finance to become a monk.” It’s a way of feeling in the loop when time seems to be speeding by and you don’t really recognise much from your own past anymore.
On Instagram the other day I saw a picture of New York icon Fran Lebowitz leaning in towards Martin Scorcese as he giggles with laughter in front of a table laden with drinks — it made me miss my friends and that light-hearted dinner party gossiping and chitter chatter. I long to sit around a table and swap stories again, talking in hushed tones. Do we love a bit of Lady Whistledown for the same reason we love a hungover Gossip Girl sesh, because underneath it all, we are all so nosy about each other?
Perhaps it is naive to think your version of gossip is fine. Perhaps gossip can be harmless, but a lot of the time it isn’t. There are online forums dedicated to ‘tittle tattle’ fuelled by jealousy, which actually: ruins peoples lives. Tabloid culture is fuelled by toxic he-said-she-said gossip that drives people to ultimate despair. (I can’t stop thinking about the Britney documentary and the countless other examples). Lies, so many lies. Gossip in Westminster has at least been analysed for the role it plays in terms of politics and power. Gossip is never just a chat over an innocent cup of cocoa because someone else is the punch-line who isn’t there to defend themselves.
Sharing gossip might be different to “bitching” but can easily lead to it. I remember seeing a tweet once that said: “I think I will give up bitching for lent!” as if it’s something sweet and addictive that makes you feel good in the moment and horrible after. Giving up bitching was something I consciously decided to do a while ago. Who knows if I have slipped up (of course I probably have: the last year alone has, at times, turned us into our worst selves. 2020 felt like the year of Judge Thy Neighbour, unfortunately) — but I am very aware as I get older the importance of minding your own business. As Byron Katie says: there’s your business, their business and the Universe’s business.
I’ve learned also to distance myself from people who love to bitch like it’s their full time job. People who love to pass on gossip about others can end up pursuing you into a fast-tracked friendship. You can end up bonding with people like this quite quickly — they offer up a juicy morsel of information to you, and by doing so, they are saying: “you’re in the club, I trust you with this.” But the friendship is not built on trust at all.
Brené Brown has suggested that we gossip in an effort to “hot wire connection to a friend.” But it’s false intimacy, an illusion, a friendship built on a lazy rocky ground. There is also the assumption that if someone is bitching to you about someone else, then they are never bitching about you. Ha, ha, ha! It’s such a funny realisation: when you realise that the people who bitch to you all the time, are absolutely, categorically also bitching about you too. (There is never an exception to this rule).
I am aware of it now — this distinction between a little bit of goss, and a full blown bitching session that always feels icky. It’s definitely a better way of life to distance yourself from those who live off drama, live off harmful gossip, live of other people’s misfortunes. I’d rather keep my drama to what I watch on TV, or what I find in books. I don’t need heightened clickbait storylines in my own real life, or in my friendships. Call me old fashioned (and thanks for reading my tangent, that started very loosely with Bridgerton!) but I believe friendship is mostly built on being nice to each other, speaking highly of someone in a crowded room, and having enough to talk about outside of the rumour mill. There are so many other, better ways to fill our own awkward silences.
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