“You’ve Changed…”
Being stuck inside for a year does strange things to your identity. Who are you, if you are a gym lover and your gym is closed, or a digital nomad without the travel, or a foodie without a restaurant, or a film nerd without the cinema? Those things might sound quite ‘surface level’ but it’s been tough on our psyches, because so much of our external life choices feels like the very bones of who we are. I wouldn’t say I’ve had an identity crisis, but more of an identity cleanse.
Most of the things I define myself by have evaporated into thin air. This has meant sitting with myself more without the distraction of the familiar bells and whistles. Like an undressed mannequin in a shop window. As the French philosopher Blaise Pascal famously said: "All of humanity's problems stem from (wo*)man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” *I added the (wo).
We are re-entering the world (slightly) and I’ve realised I like different things now. When I interviewed therapist Emma Reed Turrell recently she mentioned something about how we will be ‘renegotiating’ our relationships and general lifestyle again post-lockdown.
I feel like I’m coming out from behind the ‘Tonight, Matthew’ Stars In Their Eyes curtain. I don’t want to go to the pub all night! My taste in books has changed! I get up earlier now! I like Quorn! I’m not afraid to say you’re being rude, if someone’s being rude! I'm a fan of a non-alcoholic beer! I know what a ‘breathing exercise’ is! I have different hair now! I'm dressing the mannequin differently. And maybe that means some things or people will change or fall away. And maybe that’s OK.
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Speaking of identity: in a work interview, or on a podcast, or at a dinner party, people often ask (in polite or impolite ways): who are you? Or (the dreaded) what do you do? You take a sharp breath in, ready to explain who you are. You gather all the ways you can sum up the space in which you exist. We all have to do it, and it never feels comfortable. Self-promotion in whatever form it takes, can be hard for all of us. “Selling” ourselves doesn’t feel natural or human at the best of times. Hi, I’m Emma, a writer, a podcaster, a business owner, a book-worm, a friend, a girlfriend, a sister, a daughter, a homeowner, a citizen, a person doing some stuff and making each day up as I go along?? None of those descriptions sum up anything just on their own.
Recently, I watched an interview with spiritual teacher Byron Katie, who was asked that exact question ahead of a Q&A. She is asked the standard question to kick things off: “for those who haven’t heard of you, tell us who you are?”
Except she didn’t just reel off her bio. She didn’t say I’m this and that, based on her work and hobbies. Her response was not ‘the norm’. I loved how she answered it. Instead, she said:
‘When you ask me to tell you who I am… just to play around a little… what difference would it make? Whatever I say, or do, you’re going to form a belief about me. You’ll imagine who you believe me to be. So who am I? Whatever you believe that to be… is all I can be to you.”
Ooookay. I found this so interesting. She is basically saying that it doesn’t matter how you think you’re coming across, because other people have pretty much already made up a version of you in their mind. A reminder that we are almost powerless to how we are perceived, and so we might as well be completely ourselves at all times.
If you are thought of negatively by a stranger, that’s out of your control, just as if you are loved deeply by a family member, that’s out of your control too. It’s the decision they’ve made, about you. What a freeing (and slightly frightening?) thought, that we can’t control how other people see us. That’s why social media is quite jarring at times, because it’s an environment all about curating who you are and how you want to be seen. You can ‘define yourself’ publicly as much as you want with all the things you like and causes you support, but it’s how you feel about yourself and the impact you’re actually making that matters more.
Over the past year, we’ve not been in each other’s company as much. We haven’t been able to define ourselves to each other as much. We’ve had to just…be. And because we’ve not been physically together, we’ve been figments of each other’s imagination. Simply existing, in our separate silos.
In order to truly connect with others again, we have to settle in to accepting and nourishing our true selves, even if we’ve changed. Which involves letting go of the ego, letting go of the identity we’ve been clinging so hard on to for validation, and let people just look at us and just see us for who we are. A person navigating through a changing world.
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